Insomnia

It’s 10 pm
You are tired
It’s cold
Really cold
You’re not used to this
You need warmth
You get to bed
You snuggle
Albeit
All by yourself
And try to sleep
You need to sleep
You close your eyes
Your mouth
And you start breathing
Almost silently

Your brain doesn’t close though
It’s wide awake
It reviews the day
How you woke up
Your first day at work
The awkwardness of meeting new people
The embarrassment
Suffered from several loud stomach rumbles
Triggered ulcers
The amazing look of the office
Exciting new faces
Your forgetfulness
Not carrying lunch
The awkwardness of having to sit out through lunch
Her empathy
Offering part of lunch
Your embarrassment at being noticed
Your thankfulness for the food

You try again
To shut it down
It doesn’t badge
It goes back to the events of the day
Your delight at seeing your friends
Hanging out with them after work
Celebrating his birthday
Going for shots
Not taking one
You have to get home
You have an unspoken curfew
You sigh and check your phone

It’s 11:08 pm
You really need to sleep
You remember something
From an unfinished meditation class
How to slow your brain
By focusing on your breathing
You try it
You breath in
Then out
In
Out
In
Out

You’re excited
Its working
You stop thinking
You focus more on your breathing
In
Out
In
Ou..

Her smile
You remember it
The lady seated next to you in a matatu
To town
How radiant it was
Inviting you in
Drawing you to look at her eyes
Wishing you to speak
And tell her..

You need to Sleep
Attempted meditation, failed
You look at other options
Reading to exhaustion
You unlock your phone

It’s 11:20 pm
You swipe right twice
See Lithium
Then the book
I’m telling the truth , but I’m lying
Page 128
You read two short stories
The writer speaks to you
She reminds you of your sister
Her struggles with mental health
You relate to every word
The diagnosis of the illness, bipolar
The experimental drug treatments
The drugs side effects
The breakdowns
The drug life sentence,
The high probability of taking drugs
the whole of her life
You feel sad
You want to cry
Cry for her
For her reality
You try to cry
No tear is shed
It cant even let you shed tears
Lousy brain
You need to sleep
You really need to sleep

It’s 12:11
You close your phone
Decide to stretch
Do yoga
Yin yoga
To calm your brain
Slow it down
Make you exhausted
You picture your mat
You know where it is
It’s close
You’re lazy
It’s cold
Perfect reason
Not to get out of bed

You try one more time
Close your eyes
Your mouth
Breath silently
Focus on your breathing
In
Out
In
Out
I..
No sleep
You toss
Turn
Shift the pillow
Sleep on the side
Sleep facing up
Lie on your belly
Still
No sleep
You must sleep
You open your phone

It’s 12:46
You try something
It’s been long
It works sometimes
You go to chrome
Incognito
Blue page
Search bar
Jolla Pr
Search
Second video
Room service
Watch it
And do your thing
It comes
You wipe it off
Close the tab
Phone
And eyes
Still
No sleep
You need to sleep

It’s 1:29
You decide to write
About the night
Of no sleep
You type
Organize your thoughts
Retype
You finish
It takes an hour
You’re exhausted
5
You need to wake up at 5
You got two hours
You close your eyes
You sleep